everythingyoualwayswantedtosaybutwereafraid

Things you always wanted to say but were afraid

Into the future

I am dreaming about the future.  This is difficult for an old lady.  Now in chronological years, people may not find that so.  I am 58 years old, but I feel that I have always been an old soul(or sole).  When I was younger, I would absolutely have been the prefect description of the proverbial Old Soul in a Young Body.  Now, the body is catching up with the soul.

I attribute this old soul thing to the fact that I am the eldest child of a mother who is an only child and a father that has one sister.  To translate that, I was usually the only child around a lot of older people for many years.  I had three great-grandmothers alive when I was born until I was ten, and my maternal grandmother lived to 94.  To add to that climate, my maternal grandmother was a sibling to 10 and my maternal grandfather was a sibling to 10.  All that to say that I was reared in an atmosphere dominated by elderly, their conversation, their cooking, their storytelling, and their “petting.”  I felt very special all the time.

After a long search, I married a man 30 years my senior – he was a 58-year-old bachelor (never been married) while I was a 28-year-old mother of 3 and twice divorced.  Just to go ahead and stop all the negative remarks (I’ve heard them all, from friends, relatives, neighbors, and perfect strangers), let me add, to date we have been married 29 years in November.  So, to all those that said it wouldn’t last….

As we discussed marriage, way back then, the topic arose of what would the end of our relationship look like.  It is difficult to put yourself one year down the road much less 30 or more, nevertheless we tried to discuss the issue.  One of his arguments against was that in the natural course of things he would die before me, and I would be left alone.  I, on the other hand, had been so lacking in a satisfying relationship that I believed that any small bit of quality time was better than none at all.  It’s sort of a joke now since we had decided that if all we had was one day or five years, it was better than nothing since some people never had love like ours.  Since the Mr. was such a strong, hard worker and a farmer/rancher by trade, it was difficult to imagine him unable to do things.  And until this year, I have not had to face that fact.  It looks like the time may be here.  I don’t want to face it.  I thought I would become more independent the longer we were together, but it’s worked the opposite;  I’ve become more attached and dependent.  Yet facing facts is a hard thing to do, but at 58 and 88 things are very different.  I am the age now that he was when we married.  I don’t know how he did it.  How did he put up with us?  How did he take care of us and work so hard and love so much?  I imagine that he loves us.  We have built a wealth of memories and I hope those never fade for either of us.

So, I’m watching travel things on TV and thinking about moving overseas because I am so disgusted about our country in general.  We are not very kind, but I may find that it’s that way everywhere.  I feel the need to look, and I know the time is coming that I will be alone.  I might as well be alone anywhere.

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5 thoughts on “Into the future

  1. My husband is 18 years my senior and I often worry that he will die long before I do. It’s sad for me to think that he might not live long enough to see his grandchildren and how long I might be left alone without him. But I figure that is just the price I have to pay in order to have someone so wonderful to share my life with, no matter how short a time we might end up having together. It sounds as if you too can appreciate quality over quantity. But that doesn’t make it any easier and I’m sorry that you find the inevitable now approaching. It’s hard to say how long anyone might have on this earth, but I wish you both the greatest happiness together in the coming years. Make each day count. 🙂

  2. Ahhh i really feel for you and i can feel your pain.There are tears in my eyes. I have been with my hubby 45 years and i cant imagine a life without him 😦
    Its not so easy to move to another country when you get to a certain age because of residence restrictions. Dont rush into things but try to think positive.I know this is hard at the moment but take time to lean on your friends and family for support.
    You can always email me if you need to reach out to someone who can have empathy.

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